The Transformation Arrow

April 23, 2012…My transformation arrow has taken me two weeks to face! I can blame it on the snow – sure – I can’t find a stick in the snow. I can blame it on being busy – sure – there’s always something else to do.

Really? Really?

My visions of Kali at first freed me – I felt courageous and ready…but then the doubt and resentment and fear and unworthiness set in.

Who am I trying to kid?

• a goddess?
• an artist?
• a writer?
• a creative soul?

NEVER!

There would always be an excuse, a road block that can never be moved…

…Friday night, I left the house. Full of disappointment, resentment, anger…and after such a crappy attitude week. Every day, I intended to be better. Every day, the disappointment set in…

There were so many sticks thrust in my path that night. I couldn’t believe how many. There in the middle of sidewalks, along the sides of the road, in the grass. All beckoning, all ignored as I fumed forward and the temperature in the air and in my heart dropped.

Suddenly, there it was, a spindly spruce branch. Naked of needles, far from the tree. My favorite tree-type; the scent always reminding me of happy childhood days around a campfire.

I walked with it swinging in my hand. My anger turned to regret and sadness. My heart just felt sick and alone; empty as the barren stick in my hand. I set it on my front step; not feeling ready just yet. There, it waited while I spent the weekend soul-searching and reconnecting.

When I went to find the stick, it was gone. It called to me from the garbage bin where he’d thrown it. The bin had just been collected, so there it lay alone at the bottom. It seemed to say, “Ready?”…and so it began…

Transformation Arrow

Strips of paper from a sheet where I’d written words as they flowed in different colored pens. I thought of all the times I worry that my story is not good enough to be told. I wrapped the words around the stick. The colors of them releasing my fears of sharing them with the world. Fabric strips of autumn colors; a season I love and hate at the same time. A season reminding me of my own confusing ups and downs. At one time beauty and warmth, and all at once cold, dead and the end. Fabric strips of precision and accuracy so unattainable in real life…

Purple and blue antique threads. Memories of the past, and the mistakes I’ve made. My past is not who I am, but it made me what I am today. A single safety pin: letting go of so-called security because there is no such thing…not if you really want to bleed and feel and love and live…

And now, as I watch, it burns….releasing all of this. The fears, the anxieties, the unworthiness. Letting it go…It is none of my business. I am not meant to know the destination. I am only meant to learn and love the journey…

Transformation

Meeting Kali

Visions of their criticizing faces flew around her. The wind whipped their words in a frenzy, echoing through her mind. “Empty” “Lost” “Hypocrite” “Failure” “Not Enough” Around and around they swirled.

Her heart pounded. She could feel the goose bumps all over her skin. The wind was deafening. She feared it would push her off that precarious ledge where she stood. Lightning flashed — oh! — so close. She felt its fire touch her cold skin.

A vision of a small girl appeared beside her. Lost and alone “Ignored” “Afraid” “simple” “Plain” were the words that came to her now. The little girl did not smile. Her face was solemn and smudged. She looked abandoned and unloved. She did not cry, just stared straight ahead – watching someone or something off in the distance. She realized the girl was wearing a dirty dress and her hair was a mess. And she didn’t seem to be afraid of the flashing lightning or the wind pulling at her, threatening to let her fall from the cliff.

The Goddess stood, half smiling beside them. Her many hands seeming to caress the silvery clouds. Was the lightning coming from her hands? “What do you want from this?” her eyes seemed to say. “None of this is stronger than I. I am you. I can take all of this away. Look deep into those words. Into those faces”

She found herself peering closer, forgetting the precipice there at her feet. The words seemed to shimmer. More lightning flashed. The wind roared louder and louder. Stones fell…down…down…into the valley below as her feet pushed closer to the edge. She peered. Her breathing came quicker, deeper into her belly…She leaned…further…further.

“I am here. You will not fall.” The Goddess’ strength surrounded her, wrapping her in her arms, yet not touching her. And the girl. Where had she gone? She looked back at the words. They were now translucent. She could see far beyond them. They swirled, but slower now.

She noticed that the lightning still flashed, but now she saw its beauty. She felt music in her heart, playing to the distant beat of the thunder. Or was that her heart’s pounding? The faces faded until all she could see was the fading colors in them as the wind turned them into whispers of clouds.

The hands of the Goddess guided the wind in slow, undulating waves. Drawing the beauty of the silver clouds all around them. She realized the girl stood beside her again. Her face was upturned and smiling. In her hand was a piece of paper. In the other, a pencil. She looked up, and, smiling once more, wandered off. Meandering and noticing the path down the mountain. Sometimes she’d stop and bend to look at something. Sometimes picking something up and turning it this way and that.

She watched the girl for a few minutes. As her attention came back to the Goddess beside her – she found that the storm in front of her was filled with shimmering lights and flashes of color. A chorus of beauty and power. She stretched out her arms and realized that so much of the light was coming from her pounding chest. And still the Goddess stood beside her – the knowing smile on her lips.

Gone were the chills down her spine. She turned her face up and felt the fire of the lightning warm her skin. She breathed so deeply and realized the wind was a part of her breath. The deeper she breathed, the more it moved.

She listened to the Goddess’ unspoken words once more. “Return to this place when you have need of it. I am here. I am you. I am strength and power. Return to me and fear no more”

Her eyes closed and she was gone. The storm was gone. The mountain was gone. The girl was gone. All that remained was a smooth pebble. There, warm in her hand. Black it seemed until she looked closer and saw her own rainbow reflection.

Bran Flour Pancakes

I made these for the kids again this morning (their cousins are over). It’s really easy. It’s my adaption that is refined sugar free and uses bran flour instead of “enriched white flour” (we try to avoid white flour now as well).

Ingredients:

• 1 1/3 c. bran flour
• 2 tbsp agave syrup
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• 1/2 tsp salt
• 1 egg, beaten
• 1 1/4 c. milk
• 2 tbsp melted butter
• splash vanilla

1. Combine bran flour, baking powder salt in a bowl – make a well in the center
2. In a second bowl, combine beaten egg, milk, melted butter, vanilla and agave – pour into well
3. Mix until smooth
4. Make your pancakes!

These are really yummy and very filling. My kids have regular syrup on them, I eat them plain. Using real maple syrup is a better alternative if your family likes it. (I do, but the kids don’t. Weird, I know )

My First Painting

I have joined Goddess Leonie’s Goddess Circle. It has been calling to me for months and then April 1 was the start of the Creative Goddess e-course. I could not resist. Creativity has been calling me for quite a while now. I want to explore what embracing it will do…and so it begins…

Tonight, my daughter and I painted. I have not painted since…like…forever. We made a mess, we listened to our hearts and we just did it. She moved on to other things after she was done, but my heart still had something to say…

And so I wrote words as they came to my head. I drew wavy lines that at first had no meaning until I began to see. I then picked up my pen and created a story that curiously matched the picture. Where did that come from? I don’t care, it just feels good to create!

My artwork:

My daughter’s artwork:

My drawing:

My story:

A light rain drizzled over her head. It dripped down the side of her face and off her nose. She could feel the wetness building at the nape of her neck. Her shoulders hunched as she tried to pull the jacket closer around her neck. She knew the tears would come soon. At this point, who cared? Alone in the dark…again. She felt the cold seep into her bones. The rain came harder and her soul grew heavier. The voices teased her over and over. Her own words, spewing hatred to the face in the mirror. His words of rejection and ridicule. Their laughter behind her back.

“Ridiculous”

“Silly”

“Stupid”

“Weird”

“Unworthy”

Each word pushing the knife deeper into her heart.

The rain ran in rivers down her neck. She’d given up on holding the collar tight to her throat. There was no point waiting here any longer. It was evident that he wasn’t coming.

Somehow, her feet moved. Her mind had nothing to do with it. It didn’t care if she stood there and dissolved into the nothingness she felt. But somehow…her feet carried her.

Her hands were numb as she lifted her sleeve to check the time. She had to look again when the only thing that registered when she looked was the fact that he hadn’t called. No one had. No one was looking for her or wondering if she was OK.

The rain poured harder. Thunder began to rumble in the distance. Her feet still carried her forward. Relentless. Pushing on. Splashing through puddles. Forward. She did not think about where they were taking her. All she could hear was those terrible words.

Somewhere, she heard a bird singing. She noticed the water running down her face was just from her hair. The rain had lifted. Still her feet carried her…closer and closer to the quiet. She heard the dripping leaves litter the forest floor with moisture. More birds chimed in and rustled above her.

She noticed she was on a different path this time. This one was quiet. Flickering sunlight peaked at her from through the glistening leaves.

Her icy hands pushed her hair slick back on her head. It felt good to get the dripping off of her face. Her temperature slowly climbed as her feet carried her along the path that gently rose up toward the sky. She could feel her heart in her chest, pushing blood to her cold fingers. The sun was stronger now. She could feel the steam starting to rise from her soaked clothing. The birds were louder; louder than the words.

As her hear pounded, her mind began to settle. The screaming faded to a mutter that she had trouble hearing. She began to forget those angry faces and noticed the clouds as the sun pushed through them.

She remembered a poem that she had written so many years ago. At another time and place when the ideas flowed from her heart like the rain that she’d just been through:

The waves that once were raging with fury

now lap softly at the deserted beach.

The green, murky waters wash the traces

of the storm away to hide in its depths.

Never to be see by the fretful world

in all its grimness and all its pain.

The Lord has commanded the waves to show us

that there is peace, along with the storms.

And the parting black clouds in our hearts

must give way to the shining Son — always.

Why had those words come to her after all these years? Why now? And how did she remember every word she’d written? Suddenly, she realized her feet had stopped moving. The path was gone. She lifted her head…

She felt it more than saw it. The grace. The beauty. Tears blurred her vision. She could see so far around her from this spot. So beautiful, so peaceful, so small. How did everything get so small? She felt so big. Higher than that dark world below. She realized she’d stretched her arms out and had lifted her face to the sun. She felt its warmth deep in her soul. Warm tears squeezed from beneath her eyelids. They ran down her face until she felt them on her lips. She tasted the salt and felt her own smile.

She turned and looked back towards the path…only to find that it was not there. Dense foliage blocked her way. The birds soared about her calling her name. She was sure she’d heard her name? Was she mistaken? Where did the path go? She was sure she’d come from that direction. The only way she could see was a rocky path along a ledge in front of her. She knew she did not come up that way.

Her clothes were starting to dry. The voices and the faces had disappeared entirely. Gone with the strange path that her feet had followed to this place. The words of the poem repeated and ran together in her mind.

The rocky path ahead was narrow. She felt her heart quicken and her face flush:

“What if it wasn’t the right way?”

“Maybe she should force her way back through the dense foliage?”

“Stay with the way she thought she knew?”

“What if she went ahead and the rocky path got steeper?”

“What if it became two paths?”

“Which way would she go?”

She could just sit here and enjoy the view, couldn’t she? Surely someone would come? But who? Who was she waiting for?

The birds continued their glorious celebration all around her.

She took one last look at where she thought she’d been. She breathed in the beauty all around her once more. Her body filled with the sights and smells and sounds of this glorious place. It filled up her courage and her heart. Her mind stopped asking the question as her soul took over:

“What a grand adventure may lie ahead?”

“I wonder what I’ll see?”

“How many other paths are there?”

“How many will I get a chance to follow?”

“Will the birds follow me?”

“What am I waiting for?”

And her feet carried her forward once again. And the sun shone. And the birds sang. And she heard these words:

“Strength”

“Love”

“Healing”

“Faith”

“JOY”

…and she smiled.

Lent Day 39 and 40

As I mentioned in an earlier post – this is the first time I’ve observed Lent and didn’t realize that there are only 40 days of Lent because you’re not supposed to count Sundays. No matter – the point is, we’re still progressing along as best we can! One more week until Easter Sunday! We’ll be heading to an Easter brunch with Bruce’s Dad. We love this tradition.

I’ve also mentioned that we’ve decided to keep off the refined sugar as much as possible. We’ve noticed such a difference in the way we feel. None of us want to go back there. We won’t be as strict, but better than we were before. We’ll continue to shop on the outside aisle of the grocery store…Bruce and I went today – it’s so much faster shopping now. We just go through the produce section (that takes the most time), then the dairy for milk and plain yogurt and cheese and then we hit the meat (we don’t buy much there even) and then we find a few lower sugar, whole grain breads. We haven’t been buying as much of that as we used to. We have no reason to go down the other aisles except when we need coffee or beans. The occasionally pasta and sauce, but rarely now.

We have cheated a little this weekend with the alcohol thing. You know how I mentioned that I was craving a glass of wine on Friday night? Well, my hubby came home with a bottle when he came home from work. We each had 1/2 the bottle! LOL! Tonight, we’re sampling a glass of his homemade wine that is pretty much ready. Soooo good! Look! It’s almost gone!

 

Saturday Menu

Breakfast: – simple, slow (but still early!) getting up. Rye toast with natural peanut butter

a.m. snack: – a variety of fresh fruit (cantaloupe, kiwi, etc)

Lunch: – homemade macaroni and cheese, fresh veggies (broccoli, carrots, cucumbers) and dill pickles

p.m. snack: the lunch was later and lots, so we skipped this

Supper: homemade meat loaf, mashed cheddar potatoes, peas from my mother’s garden!

 

Sunday Menu

Breakfast: today, I splurged in the sugar department – I made homemade 1/2 whole grain biscuits, we did have a little whole berry jam on them. The kids complain when we don’t have the sugary jams. They don’t like “chunks” in their jam. Too bad! LOL! That’s the only kind we’re having from now on.

a.m. snack: missed this today with the later breakfast

Lunch: slice of rye bread with cheddar cheese

p.m. snack: almonds

Supper: Bruce made a delicious roast prime rib with carrots and potatoes. He made fresh whole grain bread and quinoa salad to go with it. Sooooo very good!! I ate way too much! LOL! A perfect Sunday supper!

Lent Day 38

This party girl is curled up on the couch in her pj’s (and it’s not even 7:30) on a Friday night!! Lol! I’m posting then having tea and reading one of my books! Not sure which one yet! They’re all so good!

It was another spring day. Fingers crossed that it will stay that way. I actually saw my oldest tonight and we even talked for a few minutes! The other two have been playing well together, minus one upset that they managed to resolve for each other. My girl is teaching my boy compassion and he’s teaching her self-control. It’s interesting to observe their dynamics some days….other days it drives me crazy!!!

B is at work this evening, so I find myself hanging out with the dogs. I thought about working but decided to lay low tonight. The only thing missing is a glass of wine…

Breakfast – my smoothie with some fresh juiced apples in it today. It was actually a bit too sweet!

a.m. Snack – Friday coffee party….well there were some grapes there! Lol!

Lunch – quinoa salad – lots of crunchier stuff in there today. Even radishes!

p.m. Snack – chia with strawberries. I keep forgetting some almonds or some nuts to put in there!

Supper – turkey a la king and rice. Not as healthy a choice, but not too bad. Leftover turkey, green pepper, celery, peas from the farm that we picked last summer, reduced sodium cream of mushroom soup & a little milk. I threw in some fresh parsley as well. It was good comfort food that filled everyone up. I then had a banana just before writing this.

I hope to make some raw chocolate this weekend and plan some veggie full meals! I’ll keep you posted! Have a great weekend friends!

Lent Day 37

I’m horizontal blogging tonight. Feeling tired. I just returned from the Be the Change Circle. Always such an incredible experience. I’m full of thanks and inspired to throw my stone in the pond and let the rest just happen. It’s none of my business where it goes. Love that Kristin!

Today, got a little more coaching at the gym. Wow, I really need to work on my core! Each day, we need to challenge ourselves or there’s not much point going.

Menu

Breakfast – smoothie with a ton of good stuff in it

a.m. Snack – I ate my leftover chili as per my hubby’s instructions.

Lunch – veggies and guacamole, cantaloupe

p.m. Snack – chia seeds and strawberries

Supper – salad, fresh veggie juice, quinoa and green onion

A great day – I’m really enjoying eating so much fruits and veggies. I’m going to figure out egg plant tomorrow! Wish me luck!