Shooting for the Moon

It was almost two years ago, 2010, when I was working on my Happiness Project. I wrote a love letter to all my children that February. My daughter’s is here  Today, she is one year away from being a teenager. In reality, she already is…My mother warned me, they grow up so very fast.

I sit here this morning, listening to you and your little brother playing. My heart is so full, my children are my whole world, yet there will be a time when I’ll have to let you go. A time not too far away and my heart aches with the thought. Your big brother is almost 21 and talks now of going away to school. I’ve been hoping for him to be inspired, yet at the same time, I don’t want to let him go…And all too soon, sooner than him, I’m sure, you will be flying around the world on some sort of adventure…and I will worry and I will cry, but my heart will sing too because you have so much to offer the world and the world is waiting for you.

We laughed the other day when we were talking about how you were born already grown up! There was no fitting into newborn clothes for you! And hair! You were born needing a haircut! Thick, dark hair made all those nurses fall in love with you instantly. Your father cried; sobbed, really. The first time I’d ever see him do that. I had warned him that he would…that he would fall in love and be completely mush from that day on…and I was right!

I remember sleeping with you, long and stretched out on my chest. There was no curling up for you either – those long legs wanted to be stretched out and dancing even then. You didn’t cry much, but gurgled and coo’ed often. Singing those girl songs like you were yesterday in the shower. I love waking up to your voice.

You have a special place in the hearts of everyone that loves you. As Great Grandma wrote to you last year, “Dear Becca, I admire you as you are a very nice well mannered girl. You are pretty and smart….” and she was certainly right. You miss your Great Grandma and sleep every night with the quilt she made for you when you were a baby. I’ve folded it and put it away and it keeps ending up on your bed. You love spending time with your Grandma, my mom, and she can’t get enough of you. The three of you were the ladies that I always wanted to be like. I’ve never been much of a feminine person, but the three of you always made me feel part of the “club”. I cherish the times that the four generations of us got to be together. I’m sure you’ll cherish them too.

You have those brothers and daddy wrapped around your little finger. They will do anything for you, especially when you pour on your “pouty face”. They can’t stand to see you upset…and promptly give you anything to make you smile again. I just shake my head and laugh. It hasn’t spoiled you though. You would give your last meal to someone else if they needed it. For one so young, you are so very generous. You have given your brothers money, your last piece of chocolate (even when it is your one vice) and all your love and affection.

Our walls are covered with your works of art and I have boxes of treasures that you’ve created. Your multiple projects makes me smile because I can so relate. You and I love to create and make things! It drives your father crazy because we’ve always got things on the go! It’s because we are butterflies, we want to spread beauty everywhere for everyone to see! That’s what I always say anyway!

Last night, we were helping out at a fashion show and you couldn’t get enough of it. You would rather do things like that with adults than hang out with your friends. It wasn’t so much being around fashion (though you love that!) it was more about you getting to be in the thick of it. It’s funny how grown up you are already. One thing I noticed, other people that were there didn’t really treat you like a kid; you fit right in alongside everyone there helping out. Stuff needed to get done, and you just got in there and did it.

As you sit with your brother and have chocolate cake for breakfast, I smile because you’re still a little girl sometimes. I take a snapshot in my mind to remember. And I send a quiet prayer to heaven asking for you to always remain that way…

I’ve been away from writing on this blog for quite awhile now. For various reasons that I won’t bore you with. I was moved by today’s challenge, and thought it was time for another post giving myself permission to list some of the things I like (maybe even love) about me. I wrote another post way back during my Happiness Project last year. A lot has happened since then!

It was hard to do that post that time! This time, my mind is in a little better place. It’s still weird talking about myself. It is an exercise that I think we all should do; that we should encourage our children to do. It’s amazing how kids can find faults in themselves at such a young age…

10 Things I Like About Me:

1. My silliness – it embarrasses my children, but deep-down they are laughing  It makes my husband and I giggle at the strangest times. It drives my best friend crazy but that’s why she loves me!
2. My body – how I feel strong and “in-tune” with it. The more I move, like running or especially yoga, the more I feel my vitality and strength moving through my veins
3. My fierce love for my husband – finally, FINALLY, I let go of my fear of losing him and just love him. It’s crazy the change that has made. The freedom and fun we have together is fantastic! It’s like we’re newlyweds again (and part of the reason why I’m so tired this morning! LOL!)
4. My passion for helping people (especially women) skip the guilt and strangle-hold of perfection. I have been there, I desperately want to help them be free long before I was
5. Being Margaret and Edith’s grand-daughter – I am who I am, in part because of these two amazing women. Edith, my paternal grand-mother loved the outdoors and took a daily swim in the river whenever she could. I think I’m in more in tune with nature; I love trees and fresh air because of her. Margaret, my mother’s mother recently passed away and I ache from losing her. But, I also know that I am a Priestess because of her. A priestess is someone who gathers everyone together and prepares the “temple” and supports people in their “worship”. My grand-mother was all these things. She was the central point of our family and guided everyone along their path. I strive to do the same thing, each and every day.
6. My creativity – I’m always coming up with one thing or another. Sometimes it makes me flit around like a butterfly, but I always say that butterflies make the world beautiful!
7. My ability to be a friend – I think I’m a pretty good friend. I love being with people and supporting them and being the shoulder they can lean on
8. I can find a song to fit with anything. I know so many and all the words. It’s a gift I over share all the time. I love lyrics and can always find the ones that fit the mood or situation. I love that about me!
9. My ability to teach or share what I know – it’s something I’ve always done. I used to tutor my friends at school and to this day, it is something I think I am born to do.
10. My wordiness – I know that I can go on and on, both verbally and written. But I love words. I love to read them, study them, use them, share them. We joke around back at Mom’s about how my brother and I poured over our various sets of encyclopedias! Back in the day before the Internet!

I’m from:

• Green and more green, surrounding me, comforting me in it’s lushness
• Late night games of “kick the can” and hiding in the darkness
• Stories and lessons around the campfire; accompanied by calories that just don’t count
• Canoe trips down the same river that somehow has changed over the years, just like me
• Not minding a little bit of rain, barely noticing it on my face
• Spotting birds, some familiar, some not – waking up to their songs of the day
• Wild roses, blooming and filling the air with their sweet smell
• Blue skies as far as I can see; looking up through the trees or across the hills
• Talks over a cup of coffee are the way to solve anything
• Where the words “I do” mean forever – miss you Granny and Grandpa…
• A place where you can go for miles and still be near family
• Mosquitoes chowing down on every exposed piece of skin, but being outside anyway
• Laughs and giggles into the dark night as the coyote howls and the occasional thunder rolls
• Picking blue bells and tiger lilies for mom to say “I love you”
• Going all over the world but realizing that the best place is right here, at home, right back where I come from.

I breathe him in.

Strong arms envelope me.

The world disappears.

A whisper only I can hear.

Takes me back to the first one so long ago.

I will miss you.

I will be here when you return.

Arms wide open.

Number 4,367,221 and counting!

• Waking up so early that it feels like I’m the only person left in the world; feeling so close to myself that I can hear the beating of my own heart
• Meeting new people who’s lives have been touched by a terrible disease. People that are so compelled to do something about it that they got up early to be part of the Ride to Conquer Cancer. People that share stories with strangers about someone they love (or even their own) and their battle with cancer.
• Tears streaming down faces and no one caring who sees them. In remembrance, in anger, in joy, in determination to make a difference
• Seeing the joy on faces as they make it to camp after that first day; tears and dusty smiles as they practically collapse off their bikes. Being a part of their moment; lending a hand where I can
• Tasting a cold beer after a long dusty day, laughing and talking like old friends with people I barely know yet are now kindred spirits
• Feeling a soft bed, even there in a tent on the ground, feels so good after such a day
• Standing in the mud and rain, ignoring the cold in my hands as I clap them and cheer each and every rider, encouraging them by name to go out there and push through. Strangers become instant friends in the united fight
• My ball cap dripping rain off the brim, steam rising from the top of my head as I try to dry off a little; feeling guilty because I know they are out there riding in this.
• I think of those that fight the battle. I hear the reasons why people are here at the Ride to Conquer Cancer. I cry with them, I laugh with them. I am surprised again how much we are all the same.
• Seeing my dear friend at the finish line, knowing how much her body must hurt, how she climbed those hills pushing through that driving rain. I know how hard it must have been and I know how determined she is. Every ribbon and every name on her shirt a reason for her to refuse to get off that bike.
• Being so humbled to know amazing people like her. People that have their own battles to fight, yet still they find the strength to do something.
• I wonder about all the times that I’ve whined and complained. Times when I did not take action. It makes me understand that the only way things (especially ME) can change is by doing something. ANYTHING. Something.
• Then, when I came home and heard the words, “I missed you so much Mom” and the lump was there again in my throat as I realized that I don’t want them to ever have to hear the awful words “You have cancer” – that’s why I do these things. That’s why everyone was there. For their children and their children’s children
• And I curl up with that long-legged tween and tousle that goofy boy’s hair; praying that these moments never end. Praying that I will have the strength to DO something. ANYTHING. Each and every day

Thunder rolls outside
The dog that annoyed me, even this morning
Curls at my feet, trembling
Seeking shelter with his people
It warms my heart, feeling him soft against my foot
I’d run around barefoot all day if I could
I love the feel of the world on my feet
Bubble gum snapping in my mouth
Can you teach me how Mom?
How old were you when you learned?
Did it take you a long time?
Questions and a few tears of frustration
Her brother and I try to demonstrate
Pull gum out of our mouths and put it back (eeewww!)
But I am 10 again, rolling along in the big yellow bus
I don’t know (or care) much about germs
I just want to win the Biggest Bubble game
It sticks to my chin and even my nose
I dab at it with the rest of the wad
Pop it all in my mouth again for another try
Helpful cousins and siblings jab at the bubble
With a finger (do you know where that’s been?)
Sprawled there with them, I am back there
Patiently, I demo again and again
Showing off my expertise here and there in the lesson
She gets a mirror, and it becomes easier
We’re sprawled on the couch, chewing
The dishes are piled by the sink, dirty & clean
Laundry sits wrinkled and unfolded
The computer’s hum beckons me to my to do list
Email dings on my iPhone, taunting me
There! Twin tiny bubbles! Finally, success!
We three beam with joy at our shared talent
And another everyday AWESOME fills my heart
You know what? I am worthy. I am good. I AM.

I started a new devotional book today: Inspiring Women Every Day. The beginning of something new. This month has been full of “newness”, yet at the same time, some “oldness” has come back to haunt me.

Both my husband and I started new positions for work. Exciting, yes, but I’ve found myself having a hard time adjusting to his new schedule. It brought back a ton of bad memories that I have of an earlier time in our relationship when things were…on the edge. I don’t know why; it’s certainly not fair to either of us. No one needs to dwell in the past.

What I think it means is that I have needed to really face it. I pushed all the hurt and fear down inside me so that I could carry on. I did not allow myself to heal. I was not honest with him nor with myself. And so, in these new times of weariness and missing him, all the darkness pushed it’s way to the surface. The fear and the hurt tried to rush in.

This time though, I am stronger. I have learned a lot about who I am and what I am capable of. I have more faith that God will not give me anything that I cannot handle. He has given me the resources and the willingness to hurt, accept and then heal. To know that I cannot heal without first letting myself hurt.

And so, I read, I pray, I talk, I cry and finally, FINALLY I starting to feel like I can move on.

I am no fool. I know that I will be tested so many times. But now I’ve learned that these are just the ebbs and flows of life. That it really has nothing to do with me at all. It is just the seasons of life. I should have understood that from being raised on a farm!

Sometimes, the winters are hard and long but the spring always comes. There have been magical winters full of memories and special times. Summers are brilliant and easy most of the time, but there are summers when disaster has struck. Fall always seems to feel like a time for reflecting and harvesting of all that we’ve learned. Each year, we move forward a little more.

What I mean to say in my ramblings here this morning (I was up before 5, so cut me some slack! LOL!) is that there is always, ALWAYS those difficult long winters or stormy summers in our life. But there are also blissful. quiet winter evenings by the fire and lazy, hot summer days where all the world seems perfect. It’s how we grow and how & what we choose to harvest from them that really matters.

Look back over the week and heal those hurts and then move on. Today, a midst another rainy day, find the moments that feel like summer. There is so much joy in creativity – take the time to create something; do something you love. Turn off the noise and breathe. Just breathe. It may only be for a tiny piece of the weekend; don’t worry about how much time you don’t have. None of us have much time here. Our seasons are not that long…

• Having my hubby get up with me. He did his thing and I did mine, but it was nice to have company besides the dogs.
• Seeing my kids healthy and happy in the morning, making them waffles
• Meeting with a lot of people in my new role – it empowers me to feel like I will be able to help them do their jobs
• Hanging out with my young Katimavik friends, eating one of my favorite foods (Chinese), enjoying their last couple days with me – I will miss them! They are so fun and make me feel young!
• Catching up with a few friends that I bumped into that I haven’t talked to in a while
• Having my daughter call me asking questions about the cupcakes she made for her class to celebrate the end of exams
• Getting a call from my son’s teacher letting me know that she has some ideas to help him with writing and that she’d taken the time to let his new teachers know. Talk about going the extra mile!
• Planning an event that will push me past my comfort zone, but will be so much fun!
• Peanut butter and banana – ’nuff said
• Still being allowed to kiss them goodnight
• After another busy day, curling up on the couch for a few minutes beside my handsome Italian, sipping a beer, watching The Mummy (one of my faves)
• Falling instantly asleep with his arm around me once the light went out

Good Moments are all we need, aren’t they?

It was a regular sort of day – crazy busy – but no particular challenges. I’m not going to beat myself up for not finding something to be afraid of! LOL.

In a couple week’s I’ll be facing one of my biggest fears: dancing in front of people. I’m going to try Burlesque dancing with a bunch of girl friends. You might say, “Big deal, you’re not on a stage or anything”. This is a big deal for me – I hate dancing, especially that kind, in front of anyone. I have a very hard time not feeling ridiculous and clumsy and that everyone is watching and laughing. All the more reason why I have to do it.

Some of my other posts on my Fear:

Letting go of Fear

Facing Fears

and a cool song: I Dare you to Move by Switchfoot

That’s the question I’m to reflect on today. The first thing that came to my mind is that it’s easy to be gentle to the ones I love. Well, most days anyway….Now that makes me think about all of the times I’ve yelled and scolded and tried to “force” kids and husband and friends to do what I want them to do:

• Tried to force my kids to pick up their stuff by yelling, threatening, using guilt to make the feel like they have to.
• Tried to force my husband to listen by not letting him go during an argument.
• Tried to force my friends to like me by trying to be more like them and do what I think they want me to do.

So, let’s rethink that first thought of gentleness…what can I accomplish today without yelling, nagging, guilting? How can I show gentleness to those that I find it difficult to be around (I don’t want to say the word “enemy”, because they really are not an “enemy”…that’s a little harsh). It’s more difficult for me to refrain from saying something about those kinds of people….

…and so the day went on….

Looking back…Testing my gentleness:

• I was the 1st one up, but the 3rd to shower = cold/lukewarm shower! I found it very hard not to curse my eldest who soaked it all up…why is he still living here? Then I felt bad for thinking like that…
• I left for work, put my coffee on the roof of my car as I juggled my stuff to get the door opened…it tipped and of course I spilled coffee down my back window…lovely, now I have to wash my car…oh, but they’re calling for rain…
• First few emails of the day…I found myself deliberately avoiding a potential meeting with someone that I (and many people) want to avoid…hmmmm….tough to say or even think anything nice…
• Found several more of the usual “irritations” at work that had me reacting in negative ways like gossiping or saying mean things about people that I really don’t know that well, so really shouldn’t even comment…
• Patience left me as I slammed the door on my daughter as we rushed to a baseball game that I was sure was going to get rained out. More driving and more waiting around for her. No words were spoken in the car…by either of us…
• I left her and her friend to get warmed up for the game while I gazed wearily at the clouds and cursed the weather again as I drove off to get a bottle of water (which we’d forgotten to bring)….